Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
