i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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