You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
