Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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