I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
