I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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