I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
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