3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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