Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Never underestimate the power of titties
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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