My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
