I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
