If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
