When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
