Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize