she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Fuck appropriateness.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
