Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize