My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
