I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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