What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
