Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
why does every cop we meet know your name?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
