I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
