i'm signing you up for texting rehab
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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