Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
