Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
