I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
