like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
