i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
