You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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