you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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