he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
