the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just high enough for therapy.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
