Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
two words: eviction party
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
