i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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