ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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