Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
