I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
