Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I need to calm my uterus...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
