So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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