Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
So squirting runs in the family.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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