She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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