all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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