im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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