I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize