The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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