I faked an abortion last night.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
is that a dick in a sweater?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
