I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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