oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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