Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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