You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
