Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize