I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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