awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
