There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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