I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
