you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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