Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
