Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
