Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
