i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
