You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
