I wish my penis had an off switch
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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