Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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