just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Are we still banned from the library?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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